Vacation in Florida was great. It was bittersweet. The whole week offered an escape from everything that is my life and I was able to enjoy some unforgettable memories with great friends. I know I’ll never be able to fully escape everything here, but just relaxing in the sunshine with nothing to do but play cards and listen to the sounds of people as they played in the pool next to us. I guess that’s why it’s been so hard coming back. Vacation offered me an escape and a way to lie to myself that the last two years have been just a dream. I was rudely reminded that they were in fact reality when we arrived back in Jersey and the temperature was in the 20’s with snow on the way. Awesome. This week marks the two year anniversary since all of this started and it’s hard to comprehend and put everything that’s happened in its place. But here we are…here I am. I was so sick in 2009 that I wasn’t even sure I was going to live this long. i’ve been through hell and I’m sure there is more to come, but as long as the sun rises tomorrow, I’ll be here ready to fight.
On April 1, 2009 I was driving to New Jersey from Carolina with my car packed with as much of my stuff as it could fit, and my life had been turned upside down. I had no idea I was in for a battle that could last this long. I honestly had myself fooled into thinking that I could get through this in a year and resume my life down in Charlotte. How ridiculous of me. I guess I was just being optimistic, but I was just lying to myself. Truth is I was scared and I would think and act in a confident way to make sure I didn’t worry anyone around me. I didn’t want to show them how scared I was or how unsure I was of what lay ahead of me.
I’m a bit scattered tonight, as I have been pretty much since vacation…I’m not sure what’s going on with me, I’ve been constantly tired and have little interest in anything other than the NCAA tournament. This last treatment hit me a bit harder than usual and I was actually throwing up for two days which is always fun. I can only hope that this isn’t a sign of things to come because I was actually getting used to feeling halfway decent after chemo. Oh well, it’s not supposed to be easy. So to end this clouded thought of mine I think I’ll do it with a sort of resolution. I always hate New Years and how the gym is always crowded with the “Heroes” who make it their resolution to start working out. Yeah that’s great, but they always last about a month and then it dies down. For me, being here another year and making it to another April 1st is kind of like New Years for me. So I guess it’s time for a resolution…my goal this year is to tell my story. I know you think I have been telling it through this blog and everything, but this is just sort of my day to day thoughts and a way to vent. I want to write something that is completely honest, something that will give everyone a look at what really goes on inside my head (besides the hamster running on its wheel). I’ve always had an easy time writing, but this is going to be tough because I have to be more honest with myself than I have ever been. I have to really take a look at what I’m really all about. On April 1, 2012 I will have my story ready…
No comments:
Post a Comment