Happy New Year!

Vacation in Florida was great. It was bittersweet. The whole week offered an escape from everything that is my life and I was able to enjoy some unforgettable memories with great friends. I know I’ll never be able to fully escape everything here, but just relaxing in the sunshine with nothing to do but play cards and listen to the sounds of people as they played in the pool next to us. I guess that’s why it’s been so hard coming back. Vacation offered me an escape and a way to lie to myself that the last two years have been just a dream. I was rudely reminded that they were in fact reality when we arrived back in Jersey and the temperature was in the 20’s with snow on the way. Awesome. This week marks the two year anniversary since all of this started and it’s hard to comprehend and put everything that’s happened in its place. But here we are…here I am. I was so sick in 2009 that I wasn’t even sure I was going to live this long. i’ve been through hell and I’m sure there is more to come, but as long as the sun rises tomorrow, I’ll be here ready to fight.

On April 1, 2009 I was driving to New Jersey from Carolina with my car packed with as much of my stuff as it could fit, and my life had been turned upside down. I had no idea I was in for a battle that could last this long. I honestly had myself fooled into thinking that I could get through this in a year and resume my life down in Charlotte. How ridiculous of me. I guess I was just being optimistic, but I was just lying to myself. Truth is I was scared and I would think and act in a confident way to make sure I didn’t worry anyone around me. I didn’t want to show them how scared I was or how unsure I was of what lay ahead of me.

I’m a bit scattered tonight, as I have been pretty much since vacation…I’m not sure what’s going on with me, I’ve been constantly tired and have little interest in anything other than the NCAA tournament. This last treatment hit me a bit harder than usual and I was actually throwing up for two days which is always fun. I can only hope that this isn’t a sign of things to come because I was actually getting used to feeling halfway decent after chemo. Oh well, it’s not supposed to be easy. So to end this clouded thought of mine I think I’ll do it with a sort of resolution. I always hate New Years and how the gym is always crowded with the “Heroes” who make it their resolution to start working out. Yeah that’s great, but they always last about a month and then it dies down. For me, being here another year and making it to another April 1^st is kind of like New Years for me. So I guess it’s time for a resolution…my goal this year is to tell my story. I know you think I have been telling it through this blog and everything, but this is just sort of my day to day thoughts and a way to vent. I want to write something that is completely honest, something that will give everyone a look at what really goes on inside my head (besides the hamster running on its wheel). I’ve always had an easy time writing, but this is going to be tough because I have to be more honest with myself than I have ever been. I have to really take a look at what I’m really all about. On April 1, 2012 I will have my story ready…

3/8/11

It's funny, but when I go longer than two weeks without treatment I sometimes forget about everything that's going on. Even if it's only for a minute, forgetting about all of this offers a nice break from reality. After my whole broken rib and flu incident, my treatment schedule got screwed up and I went about three weeks without having to go to the doctor which is an incredibly long time. I ended up getting back into the swing of things last Thursday and having my regular treatment. It's hard to believe, but by the time it hits mid-April, I'll have been undergoing chemotherapy for two full years. Two years...even I can't believe it. By the time the summer rolls around I'll have had fifty treatments...fifty times they've pumped me full of drugs...fifty times I've been hooked up to those machines...fifty times I've come home from the city knowing that I'll be feeling like shit...fifty times I've prayed that this would be the last time...
I look back and think about all of the crazy things that have happened throughout all of this and can't believe this is my life. It's been amazing to see how my body has broken down and then repaired itself, but it also makes me nervous knowing the hell it has been put through. While my mind remains strong and my determination has not wavered, I can't help but wonder how much more my body can take. I never thought my treatments or illness would last this long. I had no idea that there were people like me whose only hope is to endure the treatments for as long as we can until something that will cure us comes along. Sure, there are days I am tired, and there are days when I don't feel like myself, but just knowing that tomorrow could possibly be better makes things easier.
I'd never compare what I'm going through to a war, because there is no way I could possibly grasp the hell that soldiers must endure in battle. There is one song, however, that was written to describe the spirit of the warrior. "War Song" by O.A.R. has been one of my favorite songs since I discovered it, but since my diagnosis, it has taken on a new meaning with me. Here are the lyrics:
"War Song"

Oh my God, tell me this won't last forever
Tell me that I'm not alone
Tell me this will come together now

Packed my things up just the other day
Said my goodbyes to all these things I've saved
Out in the driveway, we laugh under the moon
Among my friends for now, but I'll be leaving soon

Many days from now, I'm sure
I'll be back among your graces
And with you I won't pretend
No, not at all

Crack the morning
Up and running quick
No sleep again last night but that's the way it is
Out in the open under broken skies
I feel every footstep
I see everybody's eyes
Oh and this is summer in another world
Far from the driveway and my baby girl
Soon comes the winter
With it quiet nights
And darker days and darker fights

But many days from now, I'm sure
I'll be back among your faces
And with you I won't pretend
No, not at all

Oh the fever is burning
Over at midnight but never like this
Hot under their fire
The stars are all falling but never like this
I hope you never see this

Wait, wait for my love
Don't forget me, never let me go
If you wait, wait for my love
I'll remember, never let you go
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
Until I'm fine, fine, fine

To be back in my room
I have the same dream every night
Just me among my things
No one else is there
There's no one left to fight
Just me among my things

Many nights from now, I know
I'll be back among your graces
Until then I'll just pretend
That I'm not cold

Oh my God, tell me this won't last forever
Tell me that I'm not alone
Tell me this will come together
Oh my God, you know

Wait, wait for my love
Don't forget me, never let me down
And just wait, wait for my love
I'll remember, every one of you
Just wait, wait for my love
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
I'll be fine, fine, fine
I'll be fine, fine, fine


When I was diagnosed, I had to put my life on hold, pack my things, say goodbye to my friends, and travel to my new home without knowing what the future would hold. I don't know how or when all of this will end, but I'll be fine, fine, fine...


Check out my interview with Dr. Ellen Matloff from Yale's Genetic Counseling Center on her program "Cancer Bytes"

Also, a little bit about our donation...