....And we're back

Sorry for the two weeks I took off of writing...things have been quite chaotic for me the last two weeks and I'm not finally able to have a few minutes to myself to get all of my thoughts caught up with everything. In a nutshell my last two weeks have been comprised of one case of the flu, two emergency room visits, one treatment, and one broken bone. I wasn't joking when I said things have been crazy...
So I ended up getting a flu-like virus because I pretty much have that sort of luck lately and it was not fun at all. The worst part about getting sick is that I have to worry about how I'll be able to recover. Undergoing chemo means that my immune system is working overtime constantly to try to regenerate itself after taking the punch each treatment gives. Of course there is always that one worry that tops everything...what if this is the sickness that I can't come back from? That's very scary to think about because the flu can easy turn into pneumonia which could easily turn into organ failure and death. For many cancer patients this is how their battles end. Our bodies take a beating from the treatments and catching a cold or the flu could be the tipping point for any of us no matter how healthy we may seem. So it's easy to understand why I'd have to go into the city to the Urgent Care center at Sloan. I had a fever of about 102.5 that lasted a few days and I knew my doctor would yell at me if I didn't call to report it to her. That of course would mean a field trip into the city to visit Sloan's version of an emergency room. It's meant for current patients only and some are in much worse shape than others. It's always a long wait, but as I sat there in the lobby I got to observe many different people. Some seemed to have similar ailments as mine, some didn't look like they were doing too well, one woman was visiting her husband and tripped and broke her ankle, but there were also those who might not make it out of that hospital this time. It's always a sobering trip to the main hospital because I am not always exposed to the true perils of cancer at the outpatient facility where I receive my treatments. Here is where some people come in with what starts off as a simple case of the flu but never make it out because they are outmatched this time by the illness. I had some bloodwork done and other cultures to ensure I didn't have any sort of infection. I was also sent for a chest x-ray to make sure there were no signs of pneumonia (the x-ray tech was gorgeous so this helped cheer me up even though I felt like crap). All in all my trip to Urgent Care wasn't very eventful and I began feeling better the very next day thanks to some miracle flu drugs they gave me. Little did I know things were just starting to get exciting...
My flu-like virus left me with a lingering cough that was simply annoying more than anything. It was all annoying until I woke up during the night and twisted my body awkwardly only to let out a very violent series of coughs. I took a swig of gatorade and rolled over. The next day I was a little sore right underneath my left pectoral muscle and figured that I might have pulled it a bit during my awkward twisting motion the previous night. I continued on in my day and the pain started to grow worse and worse. The next day I was a bit cranky because I had not slept well thanks to that same pain and to make matters worse I had to go to class. I couldn't sit still in class from the pain and I almost had to leave my second one because the pain was so intense that every breath I took made me wince in agony. I had a few errands I needed to run after school, but I decided to put them off and flew home to seek the relief of some pain killers. I felt a little better once the medicine kicked in and I was able to make up for some of the sleep I lost. When I awoke, however, I was reminded that something was definitely wrong...The worst pain I've ever felt in my life was from my knee surgery in high school where the doctors removed much of the cartilage in my right knee and inserted plastic anchors. When those pain meds wore off I was in absolute agony. When i awoke from the nap I turned to get out of bed and felt immediately as if someone had stabbed me and was twisting the rusty blade in the wound. I let out a not so nice series of French words (had no idea I knew any) and took a second to get myself oriented for another attempt. I gathered my strength and forced myself out of bed even though I almost passed out from how painful it was. I really didn't feel like passing out while no one else was home because I could only imagine how shocking that sight would be for my parents to find me face down on the floor. I shuffled my way down the stairs and sat on the couch while the minutes until my dad got home slowly passed by. When he came in he knew I was not joking around because every breath I took and every small movement resulted in pain so bad I was close to tears. I assured him I was not having a heart attack and we decided it was still best to head to the local emergency room to get it checked out. Luckily we picked a good time and date when no one else was getting hurt so there wasn't a wait when we got to the hospital. I waited for what seemed like hours, but in reality it turned out to be about 35 minutes for the x-ray tech to be ready for me. They took yet another chest x-ray and finally the oxycodone I took at home was starting to kick in. This made moving and breathing much easier...of course the feeling of being on drugs was welcomed at this point after I spent the entire day angry that I wouldn't be able to begin working out and getting in shape for my spring break trip to Florida in March. The doctor saw nothing wrong on the x-ray and simply sent me home telling me to take the pain meds as I needed. I knew there was no way nothing was broken so I got my clothes back on and started walking out of the hospital before the nurses even discharged me. I was not a happy camper to say the least because I knew that with no conclusions being reached locally, my doctor would want me to head into the city for more tests at Urgent Care. I was not in the mood for this so we decided to go back home and regulate the pain until tomorrow. The night and following day were agonizing when the pain meds wore off and I hadn't moved from my position on the couch. That night when my parents came home they said I had a message from the emergency room we were at last night and they wanted me to call back. I talked to the radiologist who had the chance to take a closer look at my x-ray that morning and indeed it showed that one of my ribs was broken. I KNEW IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME!!!!! It was nice having some sort of confirmation because there is no way a person should be in agonizing pain like I was in for absolutely no reason. Plus, it's nice to know that whatever was ailing me was not really related to my underlying condition. I rested the next few days because there isn't anything you can do for a broken rib except try not to sneeze or cough because they both hurt like hell. Go figure, I've played sports my whole life and have never broken a bone, but I coughed and broke my damn rib. One day I'm going to look back on all of this and laugh...for now I will simply try not to cough or sneeze too hard so I can be fully healthy to start playing golf again in the spring.

Swim

Not a whole lot going on here lately...this whole school thing is getting in the way of developing profound thoughts then blogging about them. But no, to say that nothing has gone on lately would be a lie. Last weekend I had the amazing opportunity to speak at a health day at a synagogue as well as a Relay for Life kickoff event with over 100 people in attendance. Going into that day I was very nervous because giving a presentation in business class is one thing, but talking about something that could get pretty personal and sharing feelings/emotions is sort of scary for me. Tell me to give the class a presentation on a company and it's no problem, as long as I know the information I'll be fine because I have a knack for talking in circles while I'm searching for what I'm really trying to get across in my head. It's always easier to write about what's going on with this illness than it is to actually sit down and talk about it. Strange, i know, but hey I'm human and some things do scare me...like talking about very personal stuff....or riding horses....but we'll leave the whole horse thing for another time. The Relay for Life is an amazing event that the American Cancer Society holds in thousands of communities across the globe over the course of the summer and it raises a ton of money for our goal of eliminating cancer. I went to one way back in high school when I just thought it would be a fun event to attend with some friends. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life or how much the event would eventually mean to me.

I don't remember all of the details from that Relay, but I do remember that I made a luminaria (a paper bag filled with sand and a candle with a person's name who has or is currently battling cancer) for my grandfather who had died of colon cancer when he was just 39. I was named after him. It was a strange feeling writing the name we share on that luminaria because I thought I knew just how serious it was. Little did I know that a few years later I'd be walking at a Relay for Life in New Jersey and see several bags alongside the path with my name on it again, although this time those bags were meant for me. The Relay begins with a survivor lap that honors those who are currently battling cancer as well as those who have given the disease hell and have come out victorious. My mother and aunt walked in that lap and I just remember feeling so thankful to see so many people taking that lap and smiling because they had beaten the odds and are still here to make an impact on all of our lives. Why didn't I walk in the lap if it is meant for those who are still dealing with cancer? I'm just not ready to. I tell people that I am in the process of surviving...I want to watch that lap because I want it to be a goal. I will someday walk in that lap once my battle is over. I learned as an athlete that the game is never over until that last out is recorded, and I'm not going to celebrate an early victory just yet. I will eventually when this weight is lifted, but until then, I will watch my mom and aunt take that lap and eventually take my place beside them when the time is right. As night falls, the most powerful and emotional part of the Relay takes place...the silent lap. This lap is in memory of those who have lost their battles and in their memories, we walk quietly with candles as the luminaria glow in the darkness. Even though I had over 50 friends and family there I walked alone. I reflected on the rollercoaster of a year that had passed since my diagnosis when my mom caught up with me. "Well this wasn't part of the plan" she said to me as she fought back the tears. No it wasn't...but this was the road we were now on and I couldn't respond...I gave her a hug and tried not to cry because I knew that I needed to keep it together not just for myself, but for everyone there. The night went on and we continued our commitment of having someone from our team walking at all hours. A terrible storm came and dumped a ton of rain on the Relay...some teams huddled in their tents, some packed up and called it a night, but not ours. We made a commitment and there was no way in hell we would pack it in. We are supposed to be RELENTLESS and a little rain wasn't going to stop us. I knew I had the support of my friends and family, but I didn't realize they shared the will and determination as they refused to stop walking no matter how bad the storm got. My legs started to get tired and my knees were killing me so I was taking breaks in walking more frequently. When the rain was at its worst you could count the number of people walking on your fingers. Among them, with his hands in his pockets and his body drenched, was my best friend Ron. Every time he passed by our tent we offered him an umbrella or a towel or to even take his place. Every time he passed he refused and continued to walk when a lot of people had given up. If I were counting, I'd say that him and my father walked the most out of anyone at that Relay...and they did it for me. When I was tired and needed a break they were there to pick up the slack. That's how I get through each day...I know that the physical burden is mine and mine alone, but I have an entire army behind me to pick up the slack when I need them.

I've said it a million times, but there are many quotes and songs out there that have helped get me through the difficult days. There has been one song that I discovered along the way that perfectly describes how it is to deal with being sick. There are good days and bad days, but you must always stay positive and hold on until tomorrow because it's one day closer to all of this being over. There are many times throughout this ordeal when things have become overwhelming or it's hard to find any sort of positive thoughts. I could have packed it in numerous times and called it quits, but I had come so far and I had so many people believing in me that I couldn't let that happen. I am fighting for my life here which is the most important fight I'll ever take part in...how could I just give up? The decision to turn this whole thing into something positive took a lot of time and wasn't possible without facing those terrible days when I didn't want to get out of bed because I honestly didn't see any point. I realized that my life would never be normal again and it would never be close to the path I had always envisioned for myself, but why is that such a bad thing? My life could still be whatever I wanted and sitting around feeling sorry for myself was not going to improve anything. I didn't realize how lucky I was because I found the strength to get out of that hospital bed when I could barely make it a few feet without having to stop and catch my breath. People all around me in that hospital never made it out of there...I did because there is so much more I have to contribute and accomplish in this life. So here it is....the song that has probably gotten the most use in my whole library. It's another Jack's Mannequin song and it's called "Swim"...

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim