There hasn't been much news to report on my progress. Things are still going in the right direction with this current method of chemo. I'd like to report that I am in great shape and the only side effects I experience are mouthsores and nausea. I go to the gym almost everyday and I'm closing in on 170 lbs. It's been amazing to see how my body has repaired itself from being on the verge of death to being in some of the best shape of my life. We will keep this routine for at least another month until another CT scan is scheduled which will reveal if we need to be more aggressive in our approach. Lack of progress will result in going back on the potent Oxalliplatin which will make me sensitive to cold, lose some more hair, and feel just plain miserable for a few days. I've been keeping myself busy lately by picking up a part time job at Best Buy. It's pretty mindless and is a constructive way to earn some money at least instead of being bored to death at home. I'll be starting school in a few weeks at Fairleigh Dickinson University and will be commuting this semester which I'm not looking forward to. I'm excited to be going back to school and knowing what I want to do now. At Charlotte I was always waiting around for something to happen that would make me sure of the career path I was starting down. My whole experience has made me see that I won't be able to make a difference by becoming an actual doctor because the harsh truth is that there is a lot of uncertainty and time is of the essence. I will continue in the field of finance and pursue an MBA in healthcare administration. My ultimate goal will be to work with Sloan Kettering or a similar organization in an administrator's role who will have a unique perspective due to my familiarization with the healthcare industry.
I'm also working on a side project with my best friend Ronny. We've always tried to be entreprenuers, but we would come up with ideas that we were not ready to tackle. This new project is something that will be charitable and show a different side to the fight against cancer than that which has been advertised by the Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Foundation. His foundation focuses on being "strong". (Obviously). Mine will focus on what it takes to persevere through the difficult times that every patient will inevitably experience. This idea came to me when I was feeling very down about things. I will not lie to anyone who wonders what it's like, or has to live with (and hopefully through) being a cancer patient. It is the most difficult thing you could ever imagine. I can handle any physical task that is thrown my way. I can handle having a few tough weeks and feeling like I'm in a rut. I thought I could handle this...I was wrong, but only for a short time. When I was first diagnosed I was told to be strong and stay positive. The words of encouragement can only get you by for so long until you yourself have to actually believe in them. The words of encouragement are like playing with "house money." At first everything seems fine until it runs out and you're left with nothing but yourself crying over a bowl of spaghettio's because you just realized your life will never again be the same and never again be seen as "normal." I wear bracelettes to remind me that I am capable of a strength no one may every truly know. I was at a point in my life where the fire had seemed to burn itself out. The drive to live, the drive to succeed were fading. There have been many times I've simply felt as a burden to my family both emotionally and financially. I'm not proud of having those thoughts, but at the end of the day I can only give myself a break because I am human. Sure, I've debated just hopping on my motorcycle and heading out west so no one would have to deal with what could possibly be my inevitable fate. How selfish of me. That's not who I am. Since when did what I think have to come first? It didn't, and it never will. If you stare into the bathroom mirror long enough at a 135 lb frame of what used to be yourself, there will still be a hint of that fire burning in your eyes. It may be very tough to recognize because it has been a while since you've felt its warmth, but it's still there and can be rekindled as long as you will let it. I decided it was time to put everything I had left into this life that has been given to me. If the efforts weren't entirely for me, they were for my friends and family who offered those words of encouragement at the beginning of things. I can't let them down. There's no way in hell I can do that. I read an article about a collegiate wrestler who was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that took his life after two years. He also wrote a blog, and after his passing, a family member wrote that he had "Lost the battle to cancer." I'll be damned if those words are ever uttered in the same sentence as my name. From that moment on I promised myself that I would not rest or let myself hit rock bottom again. There may be some tough times ahead of me, even tougher than things have been. They could be painful, could be lonely, could be tiresome. This is my journey and it is no longer time to feel sorry for myself. It is time to give back and if the day comes when it's my time, then it will be when I have given everything I could, my knowledge, compassion, and spirit are what I will leave behind. I want to spread my attitude to those in the same situation as me. It may not look good, and there is way too much that is uncertain, but impossible is not in my vocabulary. I know I can do this, I will fight this battle and it will end when I say it's over, this disease will have to do its worst, I am not a professional athlete, I do not have to be the strongest because I am RELENTLESS.
