The Wait...

The absolute worst time for me are the days leading up to a CT scan/hearing the results from the doctor. Luckily this time my scan appointment is the day before I'm scheduled to meet the doctor so there won't be too much waiting involved. It's just sitting here waiting for the days to pass until I get to hear what is going on that kills me. I'll be the first one to admit that I spend way too much time in my head constantly thinking. I think of every scenario possible hundreds of times over. Waiting to fall asleep is the worst. I'll lay here for hours just thinking and tossing and turning. There isn't anything else I can do though besides keep busy and just let the days pass until it's time to head into the city and drink that red dye crap. I must admit I drink that stuff like a champ...the first time I drank it down in Charlotte I puked because they carbonated it for some reason. In NY they just mix it with some Crystal Lite stuff so it's just like drinking a giant juice box. But back to the point...the CT scans are the measure of progress, it either reveals that things are improving, stable, or getting worse. Of course, the first two options are always the goal. While hearing that things haven't improved wouldn't be as bad as being diagnosed all over again, but it would be pretty damn close. Getting sick and not feeling too well again isn't my fear because I can deal with that and have already overcome that once and have no reason to believe I can't do it again if I have to. I know there are still many other treatment options available and drugs that my doctor has up her sleeve for a rainy day, but I don't want to cross that bridge. Crossing one treatment option off the list and deeming it as ineffective is what I fear most. I know I can deal with whatever treatment they give me because, well, I've gotten used to the fact that the mouthsores really only go away for a few days and that it always hurts, or that sometimes I just don't have the energy to do everything. It sucks, but it's reality. I just want to know what the next leg of this journey will hold...that's what being RELENTLESS is all about though. There may be no end in sight and there is a good chance that things can change out of nowhere, but being sick does not dictate the paths I choose to walk. At the end of the day I have the final say, but I'm human and wish I had all the answers right now...