3/8/11

It's funny, but when I go longer than two weeks without treatment I sometimes forget about everything that's going on. Even if it's only for a minute, forgetting about all of this offers a nice break from reality. After my whole broken rib and flu incident, my treatment schedule got screwed up and I went about three weeks without having to go to the doctor which is an incredibly long time. I ended up getting back into the swing of things last Thursday and having my regular treatment. It's hard to believe, but by the time it hits mid-April, I'll have been undergoing chemotherapy for two full years. Two years...even I can't believe it. By the time the summer rolls around I'll have had fifty treatments...fifty times they've pumped me full of drugs...fifty times I've been hooked up to those machines...fifty times I've come home from the city knowing that I'll be feeling like shit...fifty times I've prayed that this would be the last time...
I look back and think about all of the crazy things that have happened throughout all of this and can't believe this is my life. It's been amazing to see how my body has broken down and then repaired itself, but it also makes me nervous knowing the hell it has been put through. While my mind remains strong and my determination has not wavered, I can't help but wonder how much more my body can take. I never thought my treatments or illness would last this long. I had no idea that there were people like me whose only hope is to endure the treatments for as long as we can until something that will cure us comes along. Sure, there are days I am tired, and there are days when I don't feel like myself, but just knowing that tomorrow could possibly be better makes things easier.
I'd never compare what I'm going through to a war, because there is no way I could possibly grasp the hell that soldiers must endure in battle. There is one song, however, that was written to describe the spirit of the warrior. "War Song" by O.A.R. has been one of my favorite songs since I discovered it, but since my diagnosis, it has taken on a new meaning with me. Here are the lyrics:
"War Song"

Oh my God, tell me this won't last forever
Tell me that I'm not alone
Tell me this will come together now

Packed my things up just the other day
Said my goodbyes to all these things I've saved
Out in the driveway, we laugh under the moon
Among my friends for now, but I'll be leaving soon

Many days from now, I'm sure
I'll be back among your graces
And with you I won't pretend
No, not at all

Crack the morning
Up and running quick
No sleep again last night but that's the way it is
Out in the open under broken skies
I feel every footstep
I see everybody's eyes
Oh and this is summer in another world
Far from the driveway and my baby girl
Soon comes the winter
With it quiet nights
And darker days and darker fights

But many days from now, I'm sure
I'll be back among your faces
And with you I won't pretend
No, not at all

Oh the fever is burning
Over at midnight but never like this
Hot under their fire
The stars are all falling but never like this
I hope you never see this

Wait, wait for my love
Don't forget me, never let me go
If you wait, wait for my love
I'll remember, never let you go
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
Until I'm fine, fine, fine

To be back in my room
I have the same dream every night
Just me among my things
No one else is there
There's no one left to fight
Just me among my things

Many nights from now, I know
I'll be back among your graces
Until then I'll just pretend
That I'm not cold

Oh my God, tell me this won't last forever
Tell me that I'm not alone
Tell me this will come together
Oh my God, you know

Wait, wait for my love
Don't forget me, never let me down
And just wait, wait for my love
I'll remember, every one of you
Just wait, wait for my love
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
Until I'm fine, fine, fine
I'll be fine, fine, fine
I'll be fine, fine, fine


When I was diagnosed, I had to put my life on hold, pack my things, say goodbye to my friends, and travel to my new home without knowing what the future would hold. I don't know how or when all of this will end, but I'll be fine, fine, fine...


Check out my interview with Dr. Ellen Matloff from Yale's Genetic Counseling Center on her program "Cancer Bytes"

Also, a little bit about our donation...