Anne, the girl who I met at the hospital provided me with so much hope and inspiration. She was the youngest one there before I arrived and showed me that being happy is contagious. Unfortunately, she passed away earlier this fall and I am forever grateful for the lessons she taught me in the all too short of time we shared...so, Anne, this is for you...
Anne what’s it like? How do we look from so far up above? They always told me not to be scared and that it wouldn’t happen, but now I can’t help and wonder if I’ll be seeing you sooner than I’d like. Don’t get me wrong I wish I could see you right now, offering that reassuring smile and Brooklyn accent to make me get out of my head for a while. God I wish I knew how it ends.
This is something I’ve written as a tribute to the girl who taught me that cancer is something you must make the best of. Annie, I know that I’ll see you again someday and I’ll just be that lost kid who lives in Jersey, but I know that you would be proud…So here it goes, something that gives everyone a little insight into what we have to face…
And Annie does it hurt? I must admit that while I write this I can’t but help and think about the Jack’s Mannequin song “Annie use your telescope”…And every time it never fails, it bring a tear to my eye…
And Annie how do I pretend to be so confident, when I know that I’ve got the world betting against my success. I try to sit here and act like nothing is wrong while I try to provide an example for my brother and best friend. But I know that you’re here telling me not to doubt myself because I have what it takes. But I don’t know…how do I know? There’s got to be a purpose..there’s got to be a meaning…yet why do I cry? Why do I cry? Why can’t I drive to school and hear “Dakota” and hear those lyrics that my brother cried when I was given such a terrible future..and I can just cry. Still to this day I can just cry. What should I do? I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. I know people are watching, but I don’t always know what to do. I just endure as much as I can and accept that I not only do it for myself. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be my friend, my sibling, my aunt, uncle, father, or mother…knowing that you are powerless..knowing that the burden rests upon my shoulders. Knowing that my best friend cannot help me with this burden….what shall I do? I just don’t know. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit is that I don’t know. I’ve always known. What do I do? I don’t have the answers…I offer no solutions..I simply endure and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and offer more hope than today. I simply AM…and I just hope that this is good enough. Annie I hope that I make you proud…because I miss you and I sure could use your attitude while others look towards me for hope. Please help me, because I’m not quite sure I can do it on my own. Annie this might sound strange, but I love you.
Hey Nate, it's Patrick. We both don't know what the future holds, but I do know that we both have the strength to get through this. It's tough at times, I've cried a lot myself. You just gotta keep your head up and keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteHi Nate. Well I creeped you on the ACS webpage so I guess it makes sense I creep you on your blog, also. (hehe) I relate to what you say because I live it too. I have a super rare cancer with no known real treatment other than numerable aggressive surgeries. I have to take drugs that aren't even approved for my cancer because there is nothing else for me to take, not enough research. Idk if you are familiar with "I'm too young for this: Stupid Cancer Foundation" I have found it to be a God send with other young people who are pissed off that we don't have the funding or research we need to get well. If you are interested, I can introduce you to some great people.
ReplyDeleteLindsay