5/25/11

This past weekend was the annual Relay for Life of Greater Sussex and it was another great job not only by the volunteers but by everyone who came out to show their support. My team did another amazing job of having someone on the track at all times throughout the night. Unfortunately, I had to go home around midnight because I was extremely exhausted. Walking around and talking to people throughout the entire day was the most activity I had done in a while so it all caught up with me very quickly. Plus, staying awake all night and being outside was not the best environment for me to be in since I have to be ready for surgery on Friday. Either way, the ceremonies of the event were beautiful again and I was a bit surprised I didn’t find them to be as emotional for me personally as they were last year. Maybe it was because last year was my first time participating as someone who was dealing with cancer, but I’m not sure. I’m thinking it’s because I wasn’t really in the mood to have a day of reflection. Things have been difficult lately while I’ve tried to gain as much strength back for my second surgery as I can so maybe I’ve been preoccupied with that. Sunday night had us heading up to Connecticut where my high school had dedicated its senior night for baseball to RELENTLESS Against Cancer and it was a great turnout. It’s always nice to see my friends from home, especially the guys I grew up playing baseball with. The stories we share are endless and they’re all filled with great memories of a life that sometimes doesn’t even feel as if I’m the same person who lived it. I guess I’m not in many ways, but I do know every lesson I’ve learned in what I sometimes refer to as my “previous life” has helped me cope with the difficult reality of my situation.

So this Friday is the big day…I’ll go for the first of the two SIRT procedures and I’m kind of looking forward to it. I’m definitely not looking forward to any of the physical side effects that go along with it, but I’m looking forward to the fact that some sort of treatment will be happening. Some sort of proactive step will be occurring…all of this waiting around has really made me worry a lot. Last time I spoke about how I was surprised I wasn’t recovering as quickly, but I came to a realization over the weekend: I’ve gone almost two months without any sort of treatment, my body is not only dealing with recovering from surgery on a major artery, but it’s also going through the process of getting sick again. While I was busy being “mapped” and scanned and recovering, the disease has had nothing but time to grow. This realization kept me awake for a few nights. How could I be so eager to fight this illness yet here I am waiting around and giving it time to grow. What if something happens and I take a turn for the worst? It’s frustrating trying to tackle those questions in my head. My main oncologist called me the other day and it was strange, but I immediately felt the same relief I did when I first met her as soon as she started talking to me. She explained that I have been on chemo for so long that patients in my boat typically get a “chemo holiday.” I told her I was frustrated because I don’t like to sit around when I know there is something we could be doing to fight back. She immediately put me at ease and said she wanted me to come in for an appointment with her where we will discuss getting back on some form of treatment which I could still receive while going through the SIRT procedure. I hung up the phone and immediately felt as if she had sensed my growing nervousness and had just provided me with a huge hug that instantly made me feel reassured about everything.

It’s good to know there is a plan. Inaction is torture when you know there is so much that needs to be done. So for now we deal with Friday. I’m not nervous for the procedure itself…it’s going to suck, that’s the bottom line so there’s no sense in getting worked up over something I can’t change. I just hope my body can recover enough for the third procedure. I’ll have 6 weeks to do it. They say I’ll be more tired and probably won’t have much of an appetite for two weeks because it will be similar to having radiation poisoning, but hopefully whatever treatment I start will allow me to eat and gain my strength as quickly as possible. I just don’t want my body to give out on me…I don’t think it will, but it’s been through hell and things are only going to become harder over the next few weeks. That’s alright, I’m ready.