Hmm...

It's going to sound very strange, but perhaps the most frustrating part about this whole thing is the fact that I feel fine most of the time. Weird, I know. Who would want to feel crappy all the time? I'm not saying that I wish I were sicker, because believe me, I am incredibly thankful for the fact that I can pretty much go about living a normal life and pursuing everything I wish because I have responded so well to treatment thus far. I just get nervous sometimes because when things first started, I was so sick that it was very easy to notice improvements in my condition. Now though, I have no clue what the hell is going on inside my body. Now I simply have to wait and see what the CT scan results will say every few months. There wasn't as much worry when I could tell I was improving because I would be gaining weight or having more energy to actually make it through an entire walk around my small neighborhood. I remember when I was in the hospital, I had trouble simply walking up and down the hallway. That's when it was easy to stay motivated. That's when every extra step I took during those times when I wasn't sure I could keep going, those are the steps that would mark my improvement. Now though, I feel great which is pretty stupid to complain about. Now I worry. Now it scares me so much to even think about receiving bad news that I don't think I slept the night before my meeting with the doctor when she revealed how things were looking. It's a relief when things are going great, but that one time when things changed a bit towards the negative that it was such a crushing blow. Not as difficult as it was when hearing the original diagnosis, but pretty damn close. If things aren't going so well there's no one to blame. I can't blame myself because there is nothing I could do to improve my odds. I can't run one extra mile on the treadmill. I can't study harder. I can't do any sort of work that will help. It's incredibly frustrating. The only thing I can do is put my faith in modern medicine and do my part in fundraising towards an eventual cure. The day will come when all a patient will have to do is take a pill or have a few infusions to eliminate the cancer. All I can do is wait and stay positive until that day comes. All I can do is continue to live each day to the fullest and continue without any regrets. To sit around and feel sorry for myself would be the same as giving up. People give me credit, but I don't always understand it. I guess I just find it hard to believe that anyone would ever choose to accept defeat when you're in the fight for your life. I have so much left to accomplish, so much more I can do, and I see no reason why I won't.